***Stuff you always wanted to know about a body wax but were scared to ask.  ***

Have you ever said:  Holy Sh!t did that hurt!   And think, like did it hurt as much as a full body wax?   And then you are like… I had no idea I never had it done. 

Well I had it done today and it is one those questions all men wonder (that have never had it).  How much does a full frontal and back body wax hurt?  So, I share with you so you can know, and solve one of those puzzling world questions.

No Asian women or fellow losers were present.

So I realize what your perception of a body wax is… I mean, we all saw 40 year old Virgin and yeah, hairy, hairy, funny, funny.  But it was a stupid (albeit with some funny parts) movie.  Whooptie doo.  Well losers, I am here to break it down for you in a Q&A style format on exactly how she went.

Keep Smiling! Who would do this to people?

Q:  Let’s get to the tough question first…How much did it hurt?     A:  Second most pain I had in my life.  Besides child birth (ha ha).   The most pain in my life is when my knee left it’s socket and ripped my ACL on a pull up full court break.  People said it stuck out like 3 inches.  That hurt.  This was second.  I have been blessed, never had chemo or anything.  So next question.

The Magnum P.I.

Q:  Why?    A:   Why do people bungee jump?  Why do they get their ear pierced?  Chicks dude.  Chicks.  Just kidding “the boss” actually was selling me against it, based on her prior bikini wax experiences.  But I wanted my chest to feel like smooth… just once.  And I wanted to check it off the bucket list.  Fuc$ed up bucket list eh?

Q:  How long did it take, take us thru it?  A:  Both sides, about 2 hours.  I sweated most of the time.  At first it just hurt, which was fine.  But then my body started to prepare for the pain.  Like being gun shy.  I had to fight back from grabbing her and being like, are you frickin nuts?   It started really innocently.  Take off your shirt, lay down (where have I heard this before), and she applied some wax, kind of felt good luke warm.  Takes a little popsicle stick thing, and she is telling me this story of something or other (she talked the whole time, must of been for distraction) and I was thinking, hmm, this isn’t bad I wonder when the pain will start, AND BOOM AND BOOM AND BOOM.  She just starts with the paper rip off thing.  Never raises her tone, gives me fair warning or anything, just keeps talking. 

Please note the color distortion, this is not from heat, just pain. Nice.

Q:   Seriously?  A:  Dead serious.  Just kept working it, over and over and over.  Then I ask her, how bad is my chest compared to others.  I am expecting, average or something like that.  She said she has been doing it for 8 years and per square inch of hair (the more hair per inch, the more pain)  I was one of the most on my chest.  In 8 years!  WTF!  Are you kidding me?  If I thought about it, I would of cried, but not Mr. Tough Guy.  Bring it!  At the very end she uses a tweezer and I seriously don’t even care or feel it.  Just a little touch up she says, I’m like this is heaven…no problem.

Q:  Did you scream?  A:  NO.

Q:  Seriously?  A:  Hell no.  I did moan once just to see if that would make the pain feel better.  Nope, didn’t matter just made me look like a pu$$y.  Sh!t hurt. 

Q:  Where did you go?    A:  Sheer torture, I mean Shear Excitement in West Bend.  They did a nice job, if there is such a thing when you get a body wax.  She said a lot of guys go every 6 weeks and it gets better.  Wow.  They must hate their chest hair and love torture, or have extremely b!tchy wives that make them go.  Very salonish.  Always a little, um sensual, at a nice salon.  Salons are hot!  

Q:  How long does the pain last.  A:  Initial pain goes away in an instant.  After that like a sunburn, that fades away.

Q:  Would I do it again  and how much?  A:  Would you climb Mount Everest twice?   Was Benjamin Franklin a president, or a senator at least?   I guess I don’t know.  The pain is still too recent to answer.  $75 bucks.

Q:  Was she hot?  A:  She enjoyed giving me pain.  I could tell.  I think I could tell.   I would believe her demeanor wouldn’t change if she gave me a massage or when she was inflicting bodily torture on me.

If you got any more questions, I would be glad to answer them, just leave me a comment below the article.   — Roste “hairless” Beefe

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