Vasectomy, as told by a Southern Gentleman

Posted by RalphNuts on May 2, 2012 in Rants from RalphNuts | 3 comments

A few months ago I made the decision to have my boys snipped. Enough kids running around here, time for the big vasectomy. I wanted to know what I was getting into, so in advance of the procedure I sat down with my good buddy who previously had the procedure done and hit him with some questions. I’ve gotten alot of questions about the procedure from others, so I’m providing a copy of the transcipt. I want to protect his identity. My buddy is from the south, accent and all. Let’s just call him “Southern Gentleman” (SG).

I’ve since had the procedure performed, and I can tell you that SG was spot on with the details.

February 21, 2012
Location: Undisclosed

Ralphnuts (RN) – Hey SG, thanks for sitting down with me to discuss your vasectomy.
Southern Gentlement (SG) – Not a problem son, I’ve got nothing but time on this fine evening. Though I must say, the weather in these parts is abysmal. I don’t know how you Yankee’s tolerate it.

RN – Let’s stay on track SG, and get right to it. What time of year should I have the procedure done?
SG – Well son, like most things in life, from cotton to women, you gotta time it right or you will be sorely disappointed. Most doc’s will only do the procedures on a Friday, and in the morning. You know those highfalutin doctor types, they need their Friday afternoon for golf, cigars, and brandy at the Country Club. And you son, you need a few days to recover. So the good doctors do it on Friday so you have the weekend to recover and won’t miss any work. I know you like to work son. I also know that you like to watch sporting events of one nature or another. Therefore, use your noggin and schedule your procedure on the weekend of an especially grand sporting event. This basketball tournament I’ve heard so much about would be just fine. Though I also recommend the most prestigious of all southern events known as the Masters. Having the procedure done at this time allows a man to sit around in a post operative fashion with a bag of frozen peas on his “nard sack” as you Yankee’s say, and watch sports. All of this without the “nagging” from the missus which typically accompanies a man, a recliner, and a sporting event. The missus will even keep the little one’s away from you post operatively, due to your tender condition. I’m not tellin you anything you don’t know son.

RN: Well said sir. What do I have to do in advance of the surgery?
SG: You need to have what they call a “pre-operative” appointment son. You need to bring the missus to this appointment, so doc can make sure everybody is on board with the particulars and the ramifications of your upcoming surgical adventure. At this visit the doctor will tell you all about your upcoming procedure. He will tell you everything very quickly, almost as if the man is not a man but a robotic machine whose sole purpose is describing vasectomy’s to a laymen. Now, of course, the doctor has made the same damn speech a thousand times son, so you’ll give him some leeway. The man snips balls for a living son, he knows nothing else. Now, another unfortunate aspect of this “pre-op” appointment is that the doc needs to physically clear you for the surgery. Now son, you’re not going to like hearing this, but the man is going to stick his finger up into your rectum. That’s right, your butt son. It is called a proctal exam. Now, how this relates to having your balls snipped, well, I have not a clue son. Remember son, the missus is with you at this appointment. Doc might think it is but a minor matter if your missus watches him stick his finger in your nether regions. Now son, don’t be afraid to tell the doc that he must reside in a house of fucking lunatics if he thinks your going to let the missus watch him stick his finger where not even the warm southern sun shines. No way son, ain’t happenin, ain’t livin with that for the rest of your life. Now, the doc is gonna use some lubricant to help ease the process son, and unfortunately, the lubricant smells. Days afterwards, you’re going to be enjoying some lemonade and a nice breeze on the back porch, when all of a sudden you’ll think you smell that damn lubricant in the breeze. But don’t worry son, it’s just your imagination running away with you. You’ll have experienced a trauma son, and some times people experience post traumatic effects, but those will subside. Now, immediately after this pre-op appointment, you’re going to feel about as funky as a pair of undershorts on an obese southern farmhand after a day of labor. That is only natural son. A man just manually examined your prostate son, you should feel, to say the least, a bit uncomfortable with it.

RN: Well, I’m not looking forward to that, but thanks for the heads up. What do I have to do the day of the surgery?
SG: Well son, the day of the appointment, you are asked to shave your, as you Yankee’s say, “nutsack” in advance of the procedure. Doc doesn’t want to dig thru you ball hair son. Now, a wise mine will avoid using an electric razor for this task, and will stick to the straight edge. Other than this minor inconvenience, there are no requirements in terms of avoiding any sort of food or drink in advance of the procedure. So go ahead and have a Dorito Taco or whatever the hell you Yankee’s eat while sitting in the waiting room son, it won’t do you no harm.

RN: Have you ever had one of those SG, a Dorito Taco?
SG: Son, I would rather eat 15 day old grits and molded cornbread before I ate one of these so called “tacos”.

RN: Got it. Hey, they’ll knock me out during the procedure so I have no idea what is going on, and I’ll wake up like nothing happened, right?
SG: Wrong son. You’re dead wrong. You will be awake for the whole thing. They’ll lay you down on a table, and run a sheet across your chest so you can’t see what is happening south of the border. Nothing good has happened south of the border since we claimed Texas son, and nothing good happens on the day of surgery either.

RN: Take it easy now. Since I’m going to be awake for this, you better tell me what is going to happen.
SG: Are you sure you want to know son? Just kidding, of course you do, otherwise you wouldn’t have asked. Well son, the first thing is, the doc’s assistant is going to check what sort of job you did shaving your “nutsack”. If you didn’t do a bang up job and have left some stragglers, Mr. Assistant is going to pull out the straight edge and finish the job. That’s right son, I said Mr. So if you don’t do it right yourself, another man is going to shave your privates. So, like I’ve always said, pay attention to detail son, and do it right the first time.

RN: Got it, clean as a whistle. So SG, they are gonna give me something for the pain, right?
SG: Right you are son. Doc is going to take a needle of significant proportions and shoot some anesthetic right into your ol pendecker. Right at the “base of the shaft” as doc says. He’ll do one in each side. This is not pleasant son, but you’ve had a shot before and you know what it feels like. Now son, I won’t minimize the fact that this shot is taking place in your penis, that’s not a minor fact, but nonetheless, it is still just a shot son. Doc then says it takes 5 minutes for the anesthetic to “kick in”. So you will lay there with your stick and stones hanging out, while doc and Mr. Assistant will bullshit about their golf game, the anticipated weather, and whatever else might be on their mind while they perform, what to their experience, is a mundane medical procedure. Meanwhile son, you’ll lay there with your unit going numb, thinking about the fact that these assholes are talking golf while you are about to have your balls snipped. Life’s not fair son.

RN: Assholes indeed. So once I’m all numbed up, I can’t feel a thing right?
SG: Well, you can’t feel pain son, but you’ll feel some less than pleasant sensations.

RN: Hey SG, that’s kind of cryptic, what the fuck does “less than pleasant” mean?
SG: We’re getting there son, don’t get ahead of yourself.

RN: Quit the bullshit, and get to it eh?
SG: Allright now, take it easy son. Your more eager than a 17 year old little lady at her first Sadie Hawkins. Next doc is going to make a very small incision in your nutsack, at the top, and to the right of center. He is going to us a scalpel for this. You won’t feel a thing.

RN: You said “incision”, as in singular. Don’t I have two vas deferens, so shouldn’t there be two incisions?
SG: Good thought son, but doc only wants to make one incision so he only has to worry about one wound getting infected. So somehow doc gets at both vas thru one incision. What doc doesn’t mention is that to do so, this will require him to pull your left nutsack all the way into left field in order to locate your left vas. But slow down son, you’re getting ahead of yourself.

RN: Allright, so he makes his incision, then what?
SG: Well son, it’s not like your vas is just laying there for him saying “go ahead and snip me fine sir”. No son, Doc has to locate it and then get it in the proper position to make the snip where he wants to make the snip. These docs are particular. This is the part of the procedure where you have a “less than pleasant” sensation. As doc is getting your vas where he needs it, he is going to be yanking on it pretty good. Now, son, this doesn’t hurt, but it ain’t good. Basically, it feels like doc is pulling on a tendon that runs from your privates all the way up to your chest. It feels like doc is going to tug it right on out of you. Like he is stretching the tendon for all she’s got. Kind of like a fish, pulling on a bobber, tug, tug, tug. Not a pleasant feeling at all son. But you’ll get thru it.

RN: That sounds pretty fucking freaky. What next?
SG: Well, once he’s got a good hold on it, he takes a scissors and removes about a quarter inch piece of your vas. Now son, as you know, there are a lot of litigious sons of bitches out there who try to take these doctors into the judicial process if they somehow get the missus pregnant despite having their boys snipped. Some of these sons of bitches will even accuse the doctor of not removing the vas. As if the doctor is looking at a man’s nutsack for shits and giggles! I do declare. To avoid any indication of impropriety, the doctor will likely ask you if you want to see the piece of the vas that he removed. Now I don’t know about you son, but I have no desire to see any of my innards while I’m in the middle of the damn procedure. So I propose you respectfully decline that request and tell doc to get back to it. He’s got a goddamn tee time after all, and he can’t keep the chaps at the Club waiting.

RN: Does he tie the vas off or what?
SG: No son, he cauterizes it. Zap Zap. You’ll see and smell smoke son, like the fourth of July, without the pretty colors.

RN: That’s pretty gross, what next?
SG: Well son, then doc has to locate lefty. Remember, he’s going thru one incision, so this must be kinda tricky for him, but worry not, it’s the man’s profession. Now son, for some reason you won’t get the tugging sensation, but you will feel like the good doc has pulled your left nut about 15 feet away from your body, has dropped it out the window, and it is plopped right down on 4th Avenue mingling with the goddamn foot traffic. Seriously son, he yanks on it. But once he finds the left vas, he snips it and burns it, same treatment the gentleman on the right received.

RN: Again, pretty goddamn gross, what next?
SG: Well son, that is about it. Doc takes off because he’s got golf to play. No stitches in the wound. Because the sack is so “malleable” as doc says, they rely on it to heal itself. Beats the hell out of me son. Then Mr. Assistant will show you your pieces of vas in a little jar. This isn’t real interesting son, they look like two little pieces of cord. They then send those cords up to the lab for testing and documentation, and lord knows what other sort of governmental intrusion. You’ll then lay there and wait for the results. Mr. Assistant will bring your missus back to visit with you. Once he gets the all clear from the lab, Mr. Assistant will then give you a jock strap and a bag of ice, and send you on your way.

RN: I think I still have a jockstrap from highschool, can I use that one?
SG: For God’s sake son, just use the one the man gives you. What the hell are you still doing with that jockstrap. Kind of weird son, but I’ll let it slide.

RN: What are my post op instructions?
SG: Well, the folks at the medical establishment will say ice it every hour, tylenol for any pain, lay around over the weekend. No heavy lifting, no strenuous exercise, and no, as they say, ejaculation for 10 days. This is good advice son, they’re not telling you this for their health, it’s for your health, so for God’s sake, listen.

RN: What are my risks if I can’t wait 10 days?
SG: Son, I hope you have learned enough self control by this point in your life. Doc says if you don’t wait, it can cause an infection and lead to something called “phantom pain”. Now son, I don’t know what on God’s green earth “phantom pain” is, but I can assure you I want nothing to do with it. My recommendation, nobody touches the tallywacker for 10 days.

RN: Will I have pain during the 10 days?
SG: Not really son. Remember that time you offended a young lady and she took it upon herself to plant her foot directly on your family jewels? Well son, you might have a mild, lingering form of that sensation, but not much beyond that. You might also have some bruising from the good doctor trying to remove your left testicle from the rest of your person.

RN: So do I get to lay around and watch sports afterwards?
SG: You sure do son. If a man were so inclined, he could even drink beer.

RN: Sweet. Any complications?
SG: No son, everything will work fine. This is a common medical procedure.

RN: Do I have to go back to the doctor at any point?
SG: Son, the doc will tell you to come back after 12 weeks, and at least 20 “pipe cleanings”, if you catch my meaning son, and I know you do, because you’re a bright boy.

RN: Pipe cleanings SG?
SG: Ejaculations son, ejaculations. Good lord boy.

RN: What then?
SG: Well, they test your little explorers son, to make sure their spelunking days are over.

RN: What the fuck are you talking about?
SG: They make sure the sperm can’t jump son. I’m starting to think the nation’s education dollars are not being well spent son.

RN: Sorry SG. Say, any closing remarks?
SG: Son, closing remarks are for Perry Mason and other great orator’s. I am not a great orator. I’m just a man. A man who has had his ballsack shaved, his balls snipped, and had a finger where no finger should ever go – but still a man.

RN: Thank you sir.
SG: You’re quite welcome. Good day.