Bachelorette Recap: Stalker Alert

Posted by RosteBeefe on Jun 26, 2012 in LosersBracket Reviews | 0 comments

6 dudes in Prague chasing Emily’s sweet behind.  Let’s get to the action.  There are only two more episodes left.  It’s gonna get nuts.

THE Race Car Driver
Arie is turning into a douchebagg. According to Emily, he is gifted in the make-out department. And everyone knows a talented tongue is the most important characteristic when choosing a potential father for your child. Traditionally, most of their alone time consists of Arie sticking said talented tongue down Emily’s throat, but this one-on-one date was different. Our Host Chris Harrison is forced to shoot extra footage in front of the official franchise mansion so that he may explain the details of “something we may have read about” concerning Arie and a show producer named Cassie.

To make an unnecessarily long and overly dramatized explanation short, we learn that Arie dated Cassie a decade ago. He didn’t share this information with Emily. She’s mad and wonders what else he’s hiding. Harrison leads us to believe that this is significant information and will forever place a seed of doubt in Emily’s heart. After a few segments of building drama, Emily has an off-screen conversation with both Cassie and Arie and all is forgiven.  Crazy part though and what I hated, is Arie had obvious make up plastered on his face.  Like really bad.  And his hair is pathetic.  He’s playing the nice guy card, but I am not buying it.

It’s the classic Arie “professional race car driver” card being played by Arie.   Great confidence.  Think a rock star.   Chicks dig that aura of confidence.

THE Stalker
Poor Chris. Poor Emily. I thought he was either going to puke or take somebody out the whole episode.   I was scared for a second there.  I truly thought his head was going to explode when Emily announced that she did not need a rose ceremony to decide who was going to stay. He managed to negotiate some alone time before the final rose was bestowed and convinced her that he was infatuated with her. We all wonder if she recognizes, as we do, that this infatuation is more of the serial killer tendency versus “check yes or no box” passed note in eighth grade geometry class. I’m fairly confident that he will need to be sedated next week when she sends him packing after the home town dates because he is for sure 100% a goner.

THE Clue less
Bless Doug’s heart. And Lord give him strength after watching tonight’s episode. I’d bet $50 that he did NOT attend a viewing party. His exchange had to be one of the most awkward exits in franchise history. And that’s saying a lot. Look, Doug is a nice guy and I genuinely think he liked Emily.   Arie is the flirt. Sean is the hunk.   Doug just didn’t go for it.  Dude my whole college life I was Doug.  I couldn’t watch.   He said his “girl radar wasn’t working.”  Amen.   The “take it slow and easy” mantra does not work on a show with a plot line that encourages finding amazing love on a journey around the world in eight weeks. Rookie mistake. Emily becomes discouraged by his crossed arms and uncomfortable dialog. She boldly begins a speech about how she doesn’t want to keep him away from his son any longer and he chooses that exact moment to go in for a kiss … as she’s rejecting him. (I think someone was absent the day Mrs. Skinner taught context clues in class.) Emily thanks Doug for his kiss and explains that she’s letting him go. “I feel really stupid for kissing you just now,” he admits.  Holy shit, that was horrible and hilarious to watch.  One of my favorite moments of the season!

THE Hulk
A secret affair with a producer followed by an extremely awkward exit interview … what else could the show throw at us? How about an orchestrated meet-n-greet with Sean and Emily? Our resident beefcake discovers that he’s on the group date with Doug and Chris. Instead of whining about it like the Cry Baby, Sean “sneaks” out of the hotel after Emily drops off Wolf from their date. He rides through the streets of Prague on his white horse (okay, he was running) shouting, “EMILY” at the top of his lungs. He is determined to find her and would stop at nothing just for five minutes of being in her presence. Lo and behold, there she is! Randomly walking, alone, with no cameras or Arie-dating producers surrounding her. How fortunate! He races to her side so she can caress his biceps over and over again before they head to a bar to drink beer and make out. What luck! She is eating this up. Before sneaking back to the hotel, he pushes her up against a wall and gives her a long lingering kiss.   This was the most staged thing I have ever seen.  He was literally running down the streets of Prague yelling her name and he stumbled into her.  Oh and his shirt almost ripped out his muscles are so big.   Oddly I actually like the hulk and he is my favorite.  I hope she picks the hulkster.  I would.

THE Skater
Jef, yep one F.  He has the fun card.  I don’t know… they laid in a library and talked silly.  Nice third place effort.  It’s down to Arie and Shawn.

THE Loser
You know it’s a bad sign when the Bachelorette says, “This is a bad sign.” From the moment their “love lock” refused to lock on the love gate in the middle of Prague, I knew Wolf had it coming. He never revealed his true self to Emily and I’m pretty sure he was going home even before Chris broke the rules and requested a private audience with Emily at the rose ceremony with only one bud left to hand out. The Wolf has left the pack.

Next week, Emily visits the home towns of Chris, Arie, One F Jef and Sean. According to the previews, she suffers what appears to be a major meltdown when she’s forced to send someone home. I can’t wait to see the stalker sent packing.  Must watch TV.