The Chronicles of the Gronk: Episode I
7/10/2012 – The New England Patriots Weight Room
Aaron Hernandez: I’m tellin’ ya, Tom. I really think I’m going to have a break out season this year. I know Rob gets all the hype, but I think if you start looking my way more often, I could really surprise some people.
Tom Brady: Huh? Ohh, umm, that’s nice Aaron.
Hernandez: Seriously dude, I mean it. I really think I can make some things happen if coach puts me in a little more and you just start looking my way. I was talking to my mom about it the other day, and she really thinks I can score a lot if I get more chances.
Brady: That’s weird, but yeah, I guess we’ll just see what happens. Just keep working hard, buddy.
Hernandez: You know what? I don’t think you’re taking me seriously, but I’m serious. Here’s watch this.
Hernandez drops to the ground and does 10 pushups.
Hernandez: There! Did you see that?! 10 pushups in no time! While Gronk has been out there drinking and doing sex with girls all off-season, I’ve been in here working hard to get better! I’m going to be great!
Brady: Umm, I-
A pint glass comes flying in through the door of the weight room and shatters on the wall behind Hernandez, soaking him with beer. In walks The Gronk.
The Gronk: Cover of The Body Issue, mother fuckers!
Hernandez: What the hell?
Brady: Brosef Stalin!
The Gronk: Sup, Bro Montana!?
Brady and The Gronk give each other a bro-hug. Real bro like and chill too.
Hernandez: Come on, you guys. This is a place of business. Some of us are trying to get our lift on in here!
The Gronk: Oh, shit! Sup, pussy? I didn’t even see you there. You must have been hiding behind all of those cartoons that you drew on yourself.
Hernandez: For your information, Rob, these are tattoos, and they all have special importance to me. And I’m not a pussy, I’m a pro athlete just like you. But I’m actually working to get bigger and stronger this off-season, unlike somebody here!
The Gronk throws a copy of “The Body Issue” at Hernandez.
The Gronk: Check that shit out, bitch. Does it look like I need to do anymore work on my body?! I was carved out of the very image of Bro-Zeus himself! The only work I need to be doing right now is between the sheets, on the beach, in the hot tub, in the basement of a frat house, on a Boston rooftop, or where ever else the next piece of hot, young tail leads me!
The Gronk and Brady exchange a bro-five.
Hernandez: Are you two serious?! You’re just lucky I’m working so hard in here so that if you get hurt, I’ll be there to fill the void.
The Gronk: Whatever, douchsicle. Dude, Bro-Brady, you should have seen this shit, dawg. A couple of months ago, I was down in Aruba and these two pieces of pure ass fell right into my lap. They said they were 18, but I heard one of them talk about getting her license when she got home after I finished bangin’ em both. I have no idea how old they actually were, but that shit happened in Aruba, so who fuckin’ cares, bro?!
Hernandez: Ugh, that’s just sick.
The Gronk: Now you’re gettin’ it! It was fuckin’ sick! Railin’ tail, drinkin’ ale! The bro-life, bro!
Brady: God damn I wish I was young again! Now I’m tied down by my 2nd model-wife and a fuckin’ family at home. I wish I could still bro-down with you out there, but you’re just going to have to do double duty for me.
The Gronk: Aww damn, bro. That would be so sick!
Brady: I know, I know. Oh well. I’m outta here. Later, Brosef!
They exchange one more super-chill bro-hug. Brady leaves.
Hernandez: Umm, Rob, you know, if you’re looking for somebody to “hit the town” with, I don’t have anything going on tonig-
The Gronk: [Sticks his fingers in his ears.] La La La La La I can’t hear you, bro! La La La La La La…
The Gronk walks out of the locker room with his fingers in his ears as he continues to make noise.
The Gronk pokes his head back into the weight room.
The Gronk: Oh, yeah. You can keep The Body Issue. It’ll give you something to aspire to. Besides, I’ve got a mirror so I can look at that shit all day long. PUSSY!!!
The Gronk leaves.
(provided by my twitterpal: @datpuffey …Check him out if you like cool stuff.