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The Chronicles of The Gronk: Episode 1
7/10/2012 – The New England Patriots Weight Room
Aaron Hernandez: I’m tellin’ ya, Tom. I really think I’m going to have a break out season this year. I know Rob gets all the hype, but I think if you start looking my way more often, I could really surprise some people.
Tom Brady: Huh? Ohh, umm, that’s nice Aaron.
Hernandez: Seriously dude, I mean it. I really think I can make some things happen if coach puts me in a little more and you just start looking my way. I was talking to my mom about it the other day, and she really thinks I can score a lot if I get more chances.
Brady: That’s weird, but yeah, I guess we’ll just see what happens. Just keep working hard, buddy.
Hernandez: You know what? I don’t think you’re taking me seriously, but I’m serious. Here’s watch this.
Hernandez drops to the ground and does 10 pushups.
Hernandez: There! Did you see that?! 10 pushups in no time! While Gronk has been out there drinking and doing sex with girls all off-season, I’ve been in here working hard to get better! I’m going to be great!
Brady: Umm, I-
A pint glass comes flying in through the door of the weight room and shatters on the wall behind Hernandez, soaking him with beer. In walks The Gronk.
The Gronk: Cover of The Body Issue, mother fuckers!
Hernandez: What the hell?
Brady: Brosef Stalin!
The Gronk: Sup, Bro Montana!?
Brady and The Gronk give each other a bro-hug. Real bro like and chill too.
Hernandez: Come on, you guys. This is a place of business. Some of us are trying to get our lift on in here!
The Gronk: Oh, shit! Sup, pussy? I didn’t even see you there. You must have been hiding behind all of those cartoons that you drew on yourself.
Hernandez: For your information, Rob, these are tattoos, and they all have special importance to me. And I’m not a pussy, I’m a pro athlete just like you. But I’m actually working to get bigger and stronger this off-season, unlike somebody here!
The Gronk throws a copy of “The Body Issue” at Hernandez.
The Gronk: Check that shit out, bitch. Does it look like I need to do anymore work on my body?! I was carved out of the very image of Bro-Zeus himself! The only work I need to be doing right now is between the sheets, on the beach, in the hot tub, in the basement of a frat house, on a Boston rooftop, or where ever else the next piece of hot, young tail leads me!
The Gronk and Brady exchange a bro-five.
Hernandez: Are you two serious?! You’re just lucky I’m working so hard in here so that if you get hurt, I’ll be there to fill the void.
The Gronk: Whatever, douchsicle. Dude, Bro-Brady, you should have seen this shit, dawg. A couple of months ago, I was down in Aruba and these two pieces of pure ass fell right into my lap. They said they were 18, but I heard one of them talk about getting her license when she got home after I finished bangin’ em both. I have no idea how old they actually were, but that shit happened in Aruba, so who fuckin’ cares, bro?!
Hernandez: Ugh, that’s just sick.
The Gronk: Now you’re gettin’ it! It was fuckin’ sick! Railin’ tail, drinkin’ ale! The bro-life, bro!
Brady: God damn I wish I was young again! Now I’m tied down by my 2nd model-wife and a fuckin’ family at home. I wish I could still bro-down with you out there, but you’re just going to have to do double duty for me.
The Gronk: Aww damn, bro. That would be so sick!
Brady: I know, I know. Oh well. I’m outta here. Later, Brosef!
They exchange one more super-chill bro-hug. Brady leaves.
Hernandez: Umm, Rob, you know, if you’re looking for somebody to “hit the town” with, I don’t have anything going on tonig-
The Gronk: [Sticks his fingers in his ears.] La La La La La I can’t hear you, bro! La La La La La La…
The Gronk walks out of the locker room with his fingers in his ears as he continues to make noise.
Hernandez: [sighs]
The Gronk pokes his head back into the weight room.
The Gronk: Oh, yeah. You can keep The Body Issue. It’ll give you something to aspire to. Besides, I’ve got a mirror so I can look at that shit all day long. PUSSY!!!
The Gronk leaves.
Finally some naked dude! FINALLY….didn’t even read the article, was there an article?