The Chronicles of the Gronk: Episode 3
The Gronk is chillin’ on the couch at home, hangin’ with his bros. The phone rings.
The Gronk: [picks up the phone] This is The Gronk. Who wants some this time?
Bibi Jones: Rob, it’s Bibi. Do you have a second to talk?
The Gronk: [Mutes the TV. Gestures to his friends to be quiet. Does double-arm-pump thrusting motion.] Of course, baby. What’s up?
Bibi: I don’t know if you heard the news, but I just retired. I’m having a hard time with it, and I just wanted to know if I could come over and see you again.
The Gronk: [Sticks out tongue to his bros, raises one arm over his head, does thrusting motion again.] Yeah, sure you can. I’ll be here all night.
The Gronk’s bros give him “What the fuck, bro?” gestures. He responds by giving them all the “wanking motion.”
Bibi: Okay, great. [sniffles] Thanks, Rob. I knew I could count on you.
The Gronk: You got it babe. [hangs up]
The Gronk: [To his bros] Alright, everybody needs to get the fuck out of here. That porn slut Bibi is coming over and I’m going to murder that snatch. Clear out, bros.
The bros: Aww, come on, bro. Can we at least watch?
The Gronk: Fuck no, bros. Every time I let you guys watch from the closet, you end up making too much noise and fucking it all up for me. I’m not making that mistake again. Not with Bibi, at least. This ho is into some seriously kinky shit, and there’s no way you wouldn’t fuck it up. Knowing you guys, you’d all end up jerking off in there and I’d end up with blueballs and a jizz-filled closet.
The bros: That shit’s not right, Hulk Brogan. You know we wouldn’t mess it up for you.
The Gronk: Not happening, bros. Get the fuck out.
The bros leave. The Gronk goes to the bathroom and shaves his balls. 20 minutes later, the doorbell rings. The Gronk answers it, naked, of course.
The Gronk: Sup, baby? Ready to plow?!
Bibi: [sniffles] Hi, Rob. Maybe a little later. I just really want to talk to you about something. Can we sit down for a minute?
The Gronk: [perplexed] Huh? Uhh, yeah, I guess.
They sit down on his couch. The Gronk is still naked, of course.
Bibi: I just… Well… The reason I quit porn… It was because of you.
The Gronk: The fuck?
Bibi: I mean it! You always said that the reason we couldn’t date is because I did porn for a living, and that you could never get away with it on the Pats. Well, I quit porn so that we can finally be together Rob!
The Gronk: No.
Bibi: What do you mean, no?
The Gronk: Fuck no. Not happening. You think I’m going to date some washed up porn slut?! No fucking way.
Bibi: But you said that you wanted to be with me.
The Gronk: And I was! Multiple times! Do you know the kind of sluts I can get? [Points at a model on a TV commercial] See that, right there? One phone call, and that bitch would be hanging off my nuts! The fuck makes you think I want to date?! I’m in my prime, unlike you!
Bibi: [Sobbing hysterically] Rob, how could you?!
The Gronk: Look, Bibi. We both know what this is. You’re into shit, I’m into shit. Let’s just bang and get this over with.
Bibi: What makes you think I would ever have sex with you again after this?
The Gronk: Because I’m The Gronk, and you do porn.
Bibi: DID porn! I don’t DO porn, I DID porn, and I quit because of you!
The Gronk: Whatever. Are you going to start now or what?
Bibi: [Wipes away tears. Stares at The Gronk, who is still naked, of course]
The Gronk: Look, let’s just get this over with. I’ll give you another jersey, and after we’re done, I’ll let you tweet out another picture so some other sucker who isn’t half the man I am will actually be stupid enough to date you.
Bibi: [Thinks about it. Wipes away tears again. Starts to go to work on The Gronk]
The Gronk and Bibi go at it for about 45 minutes. He gives it to her like a true bro would. Real nasty stuff. They finally finish.
Bibi: [Puts on The Gronk's jersey. She starts to cry again] Alright, can we please take that picture?
The Gronk: Yeah, whatever.
They take the picture, Bibi tweets it out.
Bibi: Okay, Rob. I’m going to go now.
The Gronk: Whatever, good luck walking! HA!
Bibi’s cell phone rings as she is walking out. It’s Aaron Hernandez. She answers.
Bibi: Hello?… Oh, hi Aaron… You saw the tweet?… No, I’m just leaving his place… No, no we didn’t do anything… Umm, yeah I’d love to hang out… I’ll head over right now.
The Gronk: [Stretches out on couch. Smirks to himself] Hernandez. Hah. What a pussy!